“Where did my life go?”
“Why do I feel so powerless?”
“What can I do to get back the relationships and life that I lost?”
It starts with the signs: Your child is using drugs or alcohol and could be addicted, and you know it. They no longer look or act like the child you raised, and they’re constantly facing crisis after crisis without navigating through them. You hide this from your friends and family because you feel responsible and like a failure as a parent.
No matter what, you’ll still love your child, but seeing them like this is painful. Will they ever get back to a decent life? Will they reach the potential you know they have inside of them? All you want is to see them healthy, happy, and doing well again. You are in pain watching them struggle.
Why do I feel powerless when it comes to my child’s addiction?
Even simple things make you feel stressed out. When the phone rings and it’s your child on the other end, or they knock on the door to visit -- you don’t know how these interactions will end, and it’s stressful for you and for them. Stress can manifest in the following ways:
All of this contributes to the feeling that you’re powerless. You’re a mother; your role has always been the one to keep the peace. It’s clear that your adult child is struggling with addiction but you don’t want to speak up. You’ve lost your voice -- when you do finally speak up, nobody listens to you, or you end up not saying everything you want to say.
When you feel powerless even after trying to get back to a place of control
You’re feeling this way because your child is struggling with addiction. You’ve likely tried these strategies:
Negotiating — You offer time or money as an incentive for your child to change or get help;
Arguing — Your frustration and stress often leads to arguments stemming from your pain;
Pleading — When all else fails, as a last resort you beg your child to seek help;
Crying — By yourself, you find that you’re crying more often because of your child’s addiction;
Yelling — You raise your voice when you feel like your words are being ignored, time after time;
Threatening — You threaten and issue an ultimatum that you hope your addicted child will take seriously.
First, part of the way this disease of addiction behaves is to blame everyone else but themselves. You need to know that you are not at fault for your child’s addiction.
Second, addiction is a disease of the brain, and negotiating never works. Your addicted child will say anything to get what they want from you without living up to their end of the bargain.
Third, someone with an addiction will continue to take from you as long as you’re willing to give the disease what it needs -- your time, your money, your life. This disease leaves no room for your wants or needs.
So what makes my approach different? And why does it work?
There’s a good chance that none of those strategies have worked; otherwise you wouldn’t still be seeking out a way to encourage your addicted child to choose recovery. It’s time to take a new approach -- the one that I learned -- and I want to help you learn how to do it, too.
I call this approach Love Another Way, and it will fundamentally change the relationship you currently have with your addicted child. You’re no longer the person that gives into their demands because you’re simply too stressed or tired or frustrated. You become a person who takes control of their life and speaks up, voicing your own needs and ensuring your priorities are met.
Ready to regain your power? Try this simple experiment today.
It’s easy to assume that others in our lives know what we want, but that’s rarely ever true. Taking back your power means being able to let others know where your boundaries lie, and what needs you have. This is nearly impossible when you’re interacting with your addicted child.
Today, forget everything you’ve done up until now. Take a small step forward in finding your voice again: Download the Personal Power Experiment. You’ll find the results to be one of two things: You’ll either W:Win or you’ll L: Learn -- either way, the outcome will be a step forward in knowing how to speak up and regain your power.
Click here to get your Personal Power Experiment.
Choose a safe space to practice expressing what you need, what matters to you, and how you feel. The more comfortable you get with this process, the easier it will become when you’re ready to talk to your child about these often-uncomfortable concepts.
Keep working on finding your power again by watching this workshop.
Remember -- you’re not speaking to your child; you’re having a conversation with their addiction. Whether or not you’ve tried the Personal Power Experiment, this workshop dives deeper into the challenges that surround these types of conversations. Let me know how it most helps you please.
I hope you find a pocket of joy in your day today.
Reach out anytime, because I care.
Barbara
Certified Family Recovery Specialist (CFRS)
Thank you for the invite so grateful 🙏
Thanks Tracy.
I have an adult son who has been using drugs of all kinds since about middle school I think. He is now 38 and hasn't been using anything but weed for health reasons. We have been through it all. From probation to prison (twice) to parole finally. He finally decided he had enough and started and completed a rehab program. But now he has health issues that prevent him from keeping a job.
I have always supported him when I could but I made sure to put my needs ahead of his. He is very narcissistic and I believe that this helped him to realize that he had to be responsible for himself. Did this hurt me? Of course it did. I had to teach him that I was not going to bail him out.
Today he can still be difficult. He has no middle ground. He's all in or all out. He has a very short fuse. He is in better control of himself now except when he doesn't feel well. We tend to avoid him as much as possible when he is in a bad mood. Because when we try to help him he gets more angry.
It's like walking a thin line not knowing what might set him off. I'm continuing to take care of myself. I finally got in to see a therapist after waiting for a year.
Even though things have gotten better I still worry that he might fall back into his old habits. I feel like I am still recovering from all the stress and heart break.
So don't give up on your child but do not bail them out so they learn to be responsible for their actions. Even though it means going to prison.
Thank you for reading my story and I pray for all families with an addicted loved one.
Hi other Barbara – Thanks for sharing. It sounds like you are still dealing with a lot of pain, and I hope you can find a path to peace for yourself. -B
Hello,
My son is 37. Your story resonates. I tried evicting him from my home last week. He sat on the back porch for 24 hours till I let him back in. Promises promises. He keeps turning his responsibility to me, I feel.
Hi Jo – It is very hard. The promises are what the disease will give us and then ignore. I think your thought was cut off, but many of us feel badly when we say no and our person keeps pushing at us, and so we eventually give in to feel better in the moment, and the cycle continues. We can help with breaking that cycle when you are ready. -B
Both my children are drug addicted. My son is 47 and has been in prison half his life. My daughter is forty and continues to have charges for drugs and paraphernalia. 10 charges pending. My heart grieves and I struggle everyday. The loss of so many days is very difficult for me and lost dreams hover in my mind. Both are very intelligent and talented. I continue to pray they will overcome self destruction.
DiAnne – I am so sorry for what you are going through, and for your children who happen to be among the unlucky ones who get this disease. I hope they choose to accept treatment at some point. I also hope you can find a path to peace, because you are a separate person and entitled to peace, joy, love in your life even if they are struggling. -B
Your words mean so much to me,nobody knows wht loving a addict can do to u😢
Thank you Tammie. -B
Thank you. Everything you blog about I have experienced. My son wants to come home and I feel I can’t even consider it. He destroyed my basement, broke my TV, and broke other things . This occurred after a drunk night. I turned 75 last week. I never heard from him. I have a restraining order. I live in a small complex of townhouses. He shouts and embarrasses me. I have peace and wish to embrace a new way of living. I have three beautiful, accomplished daughters and eight grandchildren. He really hasn’t attempted to look for a job. His resume contains far too many blanks. He has been fired from his union.0
Mary – You are right. When the disease is in charge, our loved ones often become unrecognizable. I hope you are able to spend lots of time with your daughters and get lots of grandkid hugs. -B
I just finished 'chasing' my 45 yr old son around my yard and house in order to get him to give permission for a rehab he attended last year, to send a copy of his TB test results to the rehab I am now 'helping' him to get into.. the 'chase' included wrestling of keys, grabbing phone from each other, and finally calling the rehab with TB test after locking him out of his 'cabin' and holding the phone to him like a loaded gun.
Rosemary – That sounds dreadful. I hope you know that you are entitled to a life without this chaos and drama. You are a person too. -B
My son is an addict for about 25 years now.. and he is bipolar.. we’ve tried everything we could possibly think of to try and help him.. but nothing seems to work. Now he’s homeless, no where to go cause my husband won’t let him come to the house. And it’s going to be cold weather real soon, so what’s a mother to do.? I don’t know what to do anymore.🤦♀️🤦♀️
Hi Liz, It sound painful for you, and so hard to make decisions on what to do. There is no “right” or “wrong”. I say we often have to chose the least sucky of the options available. If you haven’t watched my workshop, please do and see if our approach resonates with you. We work with Moms directly on finding their least sucky options, if that’s of interest. -Barbara
I do occasionally read your emails, and they always strike a deep chord with me. Yes, my son has addiction issues. Yes, I can relate to every comment and post. Yes, I have never hurt so deeply for someone I love. Yes, I constantly pray for God to do “whatever it takes” to lift him out of the pit he has fallen into. I have a pretty strong faith in God and His soveriegn nature, and I just try to cling to my Hope and Faith in Him. Thanks for your ministry and help for other Mothers going through what you have gone through.
Hi Paige – Thanks so much for taking the time to comment and glad to hear that the messaging strikes a chord and that you have found a path to peace for you. This disease is just so terrible. -Barbara
My son has been addicted to opioids for over 10 yrs and has a 7 yr old. It’s been a roller coaster that got worse for us when his daughter was born. Her mother is also an addict who is not involved with her. We have basically raised our 7 yr old grand daughter while my son struggled went to treatment and got in trouble.
Presently he has relapsed and is back to the slide that he has often after a period of sobriety. He and his daughter have been living with us but We are Dine helping. He is slipping back and playing the blame game again. We have decided he must leave but not with his daughter. We are so frustrated. But we have suppprted him too long. Your thoughts?
Patricia – Your situation is one of the hardest, when there are grandkids involved. It sounds like you are doing what is right for you. And you can only know what is right for you. So, I support you in your decision. -Barbara
Need help with this!
Please watch my workshop (it’s offered all over my website) and see if the kind of help we offer with this resonates with you. -Barbara
What is the cost please
Hi – I’m not sure what specifically you are asking about. The workshop is free. We have programs for those who choose to work with us and they are paid at various price points. Please email [email protected] if I haven’t answered your question completely. -Barbara
I discovered Barbara and her “Love Another Way” program over a year ago. I wasn’t emotionally strong enough to “dive in” to learn about it then. My son has been struggling with alcoholism for over a decade. I wasn’t aware of the severity of his Disease of Addiction until 5-6 years ago. He just joined me, my ex- (his dad) and our other 3 grown kids for the wedding of my youngest son yesterday. He drank throughout, but stayed upright.
In the initial years of my dawning awareness of the severity of his addiction, I did the “Mom Code” to the hilt, which was the entirely wrong approach, and in fact drove my son deeper into the Disease of Addiction.
Through educating myself via Al-Anon, and now Barbara’s program, I finally have more clarity and actual “tools” about how to talk with my son, how to set my own boundaries, and how to reclaim my own life.
It’s all an ongoing process. I’m grateful to have found the “Love Another Way” approach to the slow-motion nightmare of parenting a grown child in the grip of this devastating Disease.
Catherine – Thank you so much for sharing your experience with this work. Good for you making the changes needed in yourself! It can be confronting work. You are a true Solution-Oriented Warrior. -Barbara
I believe addictions in families affect all members. Is there an attempt to counsel as a group to help the loved one and others who may also use own actions or reactions that enable addiction.
We are not therapists. We teach a strategy that works. And we do encourage all family members who are willing to do the work to participate, and we offer a free option that allows for this. The reality though is that each family member is at their own place in their own journey, and part of our work is helping the one(s) who are ready to move forward do that even if others are not. -Barbara
Thanks for the reminders Barbara and staff. Our son is in Active Recovery. He started using young and we put him through in-patient and out-patient as well as Recovery groups. However, unfortunately, what finally worked for him, was a prison sentence. He’s now almost done with a 3 month program and headed to a job and Sober Living. He knows we work on our own education and self care. So he is doing the same, however, not with still struggles and lots of boundary setting. Just continued education about the disease has been a live saver for us. Reading your information helps on a daily basis. Thanks so much!
Hi Dawn – Thanks for the note and the encouragement it will provide to other readers. It’s great that he was in a 3-month program and is heading to sober living. That being in community part is so key for them (and us). -Barbara
My son is an addict and lives in an apartment of mine. The agreement is that he would pay rent and the electric. In 10 months he has failed to follow through. He no longer answers my calls. I don’t want to pay for him anymore. I don’t want to enable this lifestyle. I want to evict him but my heart says that it is wrong.
Jody – That’s always a very difficult decision and there is no right answer. We work with moms to figure out the answer that is right for them in that moment and then to execute with grace on whatever their choice is. -Barbara
I do hope I get results, her addiction has caused havoc
Lela – I hope so also. And this disease really does create havoc within the entire family. -Barbara
So when I’m talking to my son I’m trying to say things to him that will impact him to want to chose recovery. My question is…and I’ve wondered this ever since I started listening to you.
When I talk to my son I feel like saying, “I’m taking a course on how to love you another way. I’m trying to gain the tools to inspire you to want and get the help you need.” My question is, is this something that would help or hinder an addict?
Lori – That’s an interesting question, and within the VIP program, The Transformative Boundaries Experience, every month or so someone starts a thread with that question. The answers from other students who have communicated that they are doing this work are generally positive. However, each person is individual and there is no one right answer.
My one universal encouragement is to communicate about the work you are doing by saying you are doing work on yourself. This models that even the all-knowing parent continues to grow and change and that growth and change is to be encouraged – and it is really we who are working on growing and changing, right? So, I’m taking a course and doing some work on myself to better understand (the disease of addiction, whatever you choose to say) because it is a family disease and we all play a part. I’ve learned xyz which is so interesting to me. If you ever want to talk about what I’m learning let me know.” End here and don’t push any farther. Make it about you, not him is the best generalized guidance I can give. To go into more detail, would need to be a VIP student so I’d know you and your situation better. -Barbara
My son went to detox for fourteen days and is now in a sober living home. He has been going to meetings and has been clean 35 days. Thank GOD!!!!!
Very nice report, Diane! -Barbara
My son is currently saying he agrees that he needs help from his cocaine addiction. How do you select the right program?
Karen, I’m glad you son is saying he needs help. Our encouragement is to do your own local research and research with your insurance company, if any. We can’t provide urgent help on a blog, and selecting a program is not my area of expertise. -Barbara
May God bless you for doing this I really hope this can help me I’m desperate thank you again
Thank you Tina, and if you are in the U.S., Happy Thanksgiving.
My son drinks, but I also believe he is schizophrenic. He refuses to get professional help because part of the disease is that he believes he knows everything. He was able to complete a Bachelor’s degree and went to Grad school for Psychology for a semester, but couldn’t continue. He moved home, we got him an apartment, he got a job. Paid his own bills and worked everyday. Then, just quit. He scares his neighbors and has been asked to leave his apartment. We have told him that he must get professional help or we will not help him and he will be homeless at the end of the month. He is angry, aggressive, and blames us for everything. This has been the cycle for the last 10 years. He does well, bottoms out, and we bail him out. How do I allow my son to be homeless? I don’t think I can do it.
Hi Dee Dee,
It is hard for sure, and many of my students (almost all in fact) have kiddos with some co-occurring condition, some of which are schizophrenia. This is the norm. And the truth is that the options you have as a parent are the same no matter whether the primary factor is drugs, alcohol, mental illness or condition, etc. The question of whether you can or should allow your son to become homeless is highly individual and each person comes to their own conclusion. We can help you navigate to your right conclusion if you are interested. Please watch the workshop (click the workshop link on my website) and you’ll see a sample of the work we do. Barbara
Need a new approach
That was so true for me for so long also:)
Barbara,
My name is Toddie . I live in Bueche, Louisiana. I have a adult daughter who is addicted and I have tried everything I know what to do being a Drug Prevention with youth amd I am currently a Addiction Specialist appointed by our Governor of Louisiana. I am lost, feel hurt, pain, love for my daughter because she is beautiful ans I don’t know this person anymore. She doesn’t want any advice or treatment from Me or her Dad or family regarding inpatient. She’s been going to a methadone facility to help with recovery with no counseling at all. She also has been guying ambien which was a boundary we as parents set on our home which she was loving at. After finding her in a bathtub with her head down and me knocking on the door 3 times Then forcing my way in to push her face which no response I was fearful she had overdosed. She didn’t t thank God. She jumped up and said she was resting after being exhausted from working at McDonalds as anManager. ( know the difference). I then saw a unlable pill bottle in her purse when walking out the bathroom and I took them because it was ambien (I know what they look like). She and I got into an argument, because she broke my boundaries and home rules. She then grabbed my wrist and I let her have them (the pills) told her she had to leave my home and cannot come back until she has testament at a facility. I was unsure if she had taken all the ambien because she said I would never see her again not much monger. I call 911 they sent an officer and a ambulance out. They found her to be normal knew where she was and date. She chose a methadone clinic because she said she had been addicted to hydrocodone and OxyContin. She was married and living away married. Walked in our home 2.5 years ago without calling and saying they we’re getting divorced. Wreaked her car, been arrested driving up one way on an interstate and this disease has caused damage to our whole family. I’m hurt because I made a choice to put her out (she has a place to stay at that is safe). She lies as well as stolen from me and her grandmother. She doesn’t want me or our family to have any information regarding what lead her this way and she blames me her MoM for everything. I’m worried about her, love & miss my beautiful daughter because I want better for her. I’ve even tried to prepare myself for a knock on the door telling me she is dead. I currently am crying a lot, and feel like I am “mourning” my daughter. I do not know this person. Spoke to our pastor amen they offered to help place her on a great facility however she said NO because she they won’t let her have a cell phone nor see family for 30 days.
I would love to connect with you personally even if I have to fly to you. I need help and so far your page has offers great advice and help. I find myself in the way you wrote on your page. I’m
Signed up for your workshop tomorrow.
Thank you for your assistance, best information this far I’ve found and relate too. I really hope you can provide information to help me and I hope I can same my daughter and our relationship equipping her with skills ans tools. O really hope to learn how to become a NEW ME…
Sincerely,
Toddie
God Bless and Thank You!!
Hi Toddie – I’m so sorry for what you have been going through. Please reach out after you watch the workshop. You sound like you are perfectly ready for the VIP program I offer. Barbara
My beautiful daughter is an alcoholic. She gets drunk every day. On top of that she is a Type 1 diabetic. The combination of the two is deadly. She knows this but seems to not care. She says she likes how she feels when she’s drunk. She drives around drunk. She is self harming but She is really masking a lot of pain. I think she thinks pain is what she deserves. She Can’t hold a job except to be a bartender. Worst job for her but it’s her comfort zone. She lives with me & pays rent & her bills. She’s so smart but I see her wasting away in front of my eyes. Everyone I’ve talked to says she has to hit rock bottom. I don’t believe that. I think it’s the worst advice. She could have a (& has had) seizures, go into a coma &/or die from diabetes complications. I don’t even try to talk to her anymore about drinking as it does no good. I know she has to make the decision to get help but I just don’t see her doing that. So I wait & do nothing. And that’s what’s frustrating & frightening. Do I just sit back & wait for her to hurt herself or someone else? I live my life without letting her interfere but emotionally I’m exhausted. Diabetes & alcohol is such a dangerous mix. My daughter is 29 & became diabetic when she was 19 nearly a year after a traumatic personal experience. She was hit twice with 2 life changing events. I do not like watching her destroy her life. But she just doesn’t seem to care. The alcohol controls her now. It’s heartbreaking to see the person she’s become. I miss my daughter. Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.
I am so sorry for what both you are your daughter have been going through. Have you signed up for either my workshop? Or opted in for my free guide, the 3 Things Your Adult Addicted Child Wants You To Know and Can’t Tell You?
Either thing will get you on my email list if you are not already. I email about this topic and run programs to help moms through this. I can help. Please reach out.
My website is livewellandfully.com and my email is [email protected]
Hope springs Eternal, is my pray, I love my son, however don’t know how to show tough love, my only child and I have MS, stress really bad on a person with MS
Hi June – thanks for your note. I’m so sorry that you are dealing with both addiction and MS. My approach is not tough love – it is Love Another Way – a way which allows us to support our children in a way that is healthy for us and shifts things so they are more likely to choose recovery. Have you watched the workshop? Barbara
I don’t blame myself , I do overeat , it’s my escape ,
Hi Shelly – I hear you. I eat ice cream most days even when I get up in the AM, hop on the scale, and say “no ice cream today”. The day goes on. I eat ice cream:)
My son is still in addiction he had full control of
My life as my husband and I were not on the same
Page I set boundaries but he wouldn’t listen. I had no control of myself or my home. So I had to leave my son has anger issues as well so when he got made he would destroy our home now he is in a homeless shelter . And I don’t know how to show him that I do love him
Wow, Debbie. That sounds very difficult. Have you watched my workshop? If not, please take a listen and see how my approach to this resonates with you. You’ll know during the workshop if I’m the “right person” to help you get to a better place. I can tell you that I’ve worked with a lot of moms in similar situations and there is a way through this. I’ve had several moms who have had to leave the family home for their own well-being, and others who say they want to just disappear and become someone new.
mine was in a homeless shelter but he left, not sure if voluntarily or made to leave like another one he was in
are you saying you left your husband?
I am divorced. The divorce has nothing to do with my son’s addiction.
What a difference this program has made in my life! In the past, I was frustrated, angry and depressed due to our son’s addiction to drugs. Barbara has opened my eyes to the fact that my past efforts to “fix” him could actually drive him deeper into addiction . I needed to “love him another way” and by setting priorities in my life and creating boundaries I would not only experience a better quality of life for my husband and I but also increase the possibility that our son might eventually accept help with his recovery. There are no guarantees for his path but for us, it’s like a breath of fresh air and feeling more in control. I wish I had found this program much earlier but am thankful for the encouragement I have received. Barbara and all of the other AMAZING parents in our group taught me how to approach this difficult and sometimes embarrassing subject. I hope one day any parents dealing with this will have access to this program!
Thank you so much Nancy. I love the comment about “breath of fresh air” and the amazing shifts I see you making from when you joined those short weeks ago to now:) Well done!
Barbara’s approach has made it possible for me to live without guilt – even though my son is still deep into addiction. It’s helped me accept that I can’t control the addiction but I can take control over my own life.
Thank you Evelyn. I’m sorry that your son is still “in it” AND know that you have been a warrior woman in taking control over your own life, and that you know in your head and your heart that this is the best thing you can do for your son. So brave. So determined. I’m so impressed.
This wonderful program has really helped me to regain my power. To realize that I am not at fault. Addiction is truly a disease that takes control, but we must not let it take control of OUR life as well. I have learned to set boundaries and how to support my daughter while in her recovery. Barbara’s wealth of knowledge and the support of all the other parents in the group has been tremendous.
Thank you so much Sarah! You are a great student and have reaped the benefits of that in a much improved relationship with your daughter. You’ve been open minded enough to tackle this when your daughter was still young and I applaud you for that. You have given her a great gift!
Nancy- thank you so much! You are doing amazing work and hearing about how much better your last conversation with your son went gave me shivers on my spine. Thanks so much for sharing this feedback!
This life saving program helped me understand why what I had done in the past did not work. I was not dealing with my loving daughter, I was dealing with her manipulative, life sucking addiction. Barbara taught me skills that are working to support my daughter in recovery and help me to take care of myself. I have been in the program for five months and Barbara and her community of moms have been there for me every day.
Thank you so much Pat! Your approach to learning something new is awe-inspiring. Such a wonderful open mine. Such a solution-oriented warrior you are:)