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I am struggling as every other mom is. Sleeping through the night while he is in jail. I can’t afford this program, but I appreciate the encouraging emails
ReplyHi JoAnn – You are right – it is so hard. I also found I could sleep through the night while Eric was in jail. It was the times he was out that my sleep was more disrupted. My support desk is going to send you a special email this week, so please watch for it. -Barbara
ReplyThank you Barbara for your blog and emails, I too cannot afford your program, however I read all the information you post. I have two adult Sons, they did decide just last week to get help for their drug addiction. It’s been a very long road, but they made the decition them selves.
ReplyHi Michelle – You are very welcome. I am glad to hear that your sons are choosing to move forward with their lives. Enjoy every moment. Watch your email. We’ll be sending you a special one. -Barbara
ReplyInteresting, but like many I don’t have the money to join but read everything you post.
Thank you
Thanks, Linda. I’m going to ask support to send you an email. Please keep an eye out over the next couple of days.
ReplyMy son went to detox for meth use and is now in a sober living home he has 100 days clean and has a job and doing good so far. My biggest fear is what if he relapses. What do I do or say my heart will be broken again. He will have to leave the home then he will be out on the streets again. Thank you Barbara for all your help and e-mails. I’m retired and don’t have the funds to join . I look forward to more e-mails. Once again thank you so much.
ReplyThanks for the comment, Mildred. Here’s hoping he chooses to remain in recovery. -Barbara
ReplyThank you so much for this study and for every one of your emails. I read them all and they are so helpful. My addict is my grandson, whose parents were not the best. Bipolar and abusive mom and a dad who turned to drugs to take himself out of the chaos. As a result, being the codependent that I am, tried to ‘take care’ of the lack of love, support and affection that I thought was needed. Not necessarily a bad thing, but what was back, there were no boundaries set. I now have an adult grandson who is bipolar, has ptsd, anxiety and uses drugs. As much as I would love to join, I find that I can’t because of finances. I have learned through your correspondence, that no matter how hard, I must set these boundaries. In fact, I have one in place today and so far have stuck with it. I just felt the need to let you know, that while I cannot join now, you have helped me through your correspondence with me. I look forward to continuing to receiving them. Thank you so much.
ReplyVickie – Thank you so much for sharing your story. And I think you did what most grandparents would do in the situation you described, and you helped out of love and concern. I’m very proud of you for now experimenting with setting boundaries. Good for you. -Barbarar
ReplyThank you for the important insights of drug addiction and for me as a mother to seek a support group
ReplyHi Lydia – You are welcome. It feels like we are so alone, and there are so many of us, sadly. -Barbara
ReplyHi Barbara, I can see the value in what you have lived and created. Thank you for not giving up on me and reaching out to share. I don’t have an actual relationship right now with my child, as he has taken distance. For sure, my love for him is totally intact and has never wavered. Interestingly enough, I didn’t reach out to him, like usual, by his voice mail on the special occasion of this past Christmas. He reached out to me a day or so later (almost unheard of- any communication very few and far between). The very same day, I learned of your group through social media. I decided to take the initial first step and participate in the complimentary intro video, and based on that, waited another day or so and carefully formulated a self-respecting response (text) with new, self-respecting boundaries. I have decided to no longer leave newsy messages. I have invited him to call us, if he wants to have a relationship with us to set up an appointment, so we can gather ourselves before-hand. I told him if he wants news from siblings, he should approach them himself. I re-iterated our love for him. I told him that, right now, it’s like he’s dead to us, although he’s alive. I told him that I take comfort from nature. A bird lays eggs in a nest, and when they grow up enough, the young birds leave the nest, and that’s just how it is. I love my son and would love to be able to hold him in my arms and tell him so (tears), however, that is not possible right now. So, I wish for the best for him and I look after myself in my own life. So, thank you, Barbara, for not giving up on me. I sense that in the future, I’ll be looking for you and your legacy. I’m just not ready, just now.
ReplyHi Donna, Thanks for sharing the actions you’ve taken, and they are powerful actions. So very well done. I applaud you and say continue. -Barbara
ReplyThank you so much for sharing this information. I really needed to hear this information today.
Replyas true and real as these statements are It also was Raw as I spent ( with my new husband) 3 weeks with my son… I am now recovering ❤️🩹 from a downward spiral 🌀 of depression. But this helped me see what I and my Husband Kevin did Right during that time . Jesus help us all
ReplyHi Elizabeth – Glad to hear that you are able to recognize what you did right. That’s huge! And I believe that most/all of us with children with a “mind disease” (addiction, mental illness, mental condition, etc) need to allow ourselves to grieve the loss of the child we expected to have at this point, the family we carefully built which does not now match our expectations, etc. -Barbara
ReplyThank you ! I cant afford the whole package but I am EXTREMELY grateful for the info you share ❤🙏
ReplyKaren – Thanks so much for your note and glad you are finding the materials useful. -Barbara
ReplyWonderful blog. Concise and organized presentation! The statistics were helpful as well!
ReplyWhat do you do when your addicted child has children of their own that you are trying to raise. Should you set boundaries about
the addict see their children ages 2.5 and 14?
Hi Teri,
Grandkids do complicate things for sure. I wish there were one “right” answer I could give you to that question – and there just isn’t. Legalities, people, families are all different – and my approach is to work with each student on establishing their own priorities and then creating boundaries that best serve them, based on those priorities and the realities of their own family. Take a listen to my workshop if you haven’t (linked at the top of my website.)
Interested in your work. I have a 15 year old addict (first went to treatment as a 14 year old). I struggle with the legal obligations I have. I have even been investigated for child neglect/abuse. Setting boundaries with a teenager is an even larger challenge for me – it seems.
ReplyHi Debra – Yes, there are some different challenges when the child is a teenager for sure, and the same strategies and approaches are what can make a difference. I’m so sorry that you have been investigated for abuse/neglect when all you’ve done is try to set boundaries. Take a listen to the workshop and see if the approach resonates with you. Barbara
ReplyWhat if there are kids in the middle of all the addiction issues? Don’t say call the authorities as there are 2 kids no one ever saw again after my niece had “authorities” called. And that in between time until its all settled, there is no prominse of them being safe in a strangers home in my state. No thank you. Suggestions please.
ReplyJo,
I’m so sorry to hear that your family is struggling with this too. I would never tell anyone to call the authorities, because we each get to choose how we engage with this terrible disease. And each mom’s choice is different because each mom’s situation is different.
Unfortunately, there are no “magic answers” to these situations. But we CAN find our way through, if we’re willing to engage with the disease in a new way – what I call Loving Another Way.
If you haven’t already, I’d recommend watching my online workshop to learn more about how we approach things using the Love Another Way Framework. You’ll find the link in the menu, at the top of the page
ReplyHello thank you for info. I lost my youngest son to addiction 3 years ago. My older son has opiate addiction too , but was also diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome and had meltdowns frequently. It is a hard challenge, Any other parents struggling with this? Thx
ReplyTamara – I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t personally have students dealing with the combination of addiction and Asperger Syndrome. We do have quite a few students dealing with the combination of addiction + some other thing, like OCD, ADHD, Schizophrenia and on and on. And some dealing with the combination of addiction and serious physical conditions like cancer and hear disease. The approach that seems most effective and which I teach is to recognize that no matter what combination of things is occurring, the addiction must be tackled before other conditions can be properly treated. And additionally, the core of my approach is that what we can react to and deal with is the behavior, and there are strategies to use regardless of the cause of the behavior. The strategies are universal. Hope this helps. Barbara
ReplyCan anyone give me an example of boundaries they have set with love and respect?
ReplyThere are great examples in the workshop. You can register to attend right from this page. And I write about them in my emails regularly. If you aren’t on my list, you can join at http://www.livewellandfully.com
ReplyThank you for sharing this. I have been tied up in knots. I would like to enroll in your program. I need help managing. It is difficult to find a positive way to communicate with my daughter without making things more difficult for her.
ReplyThanks for your note, Bonnie. I’m going to ask Sharon to reach out to you by email and provide you with the full details on my program. I’d love to support you and am so sorry for what you are going through.
ReplyI love your information. I am thinking of signing up for your program. Are there starting dates?
ReplyHi Jennifer,
I see you have signed up for the Essential Edition. Welcome! When I first launched, I had set start dates and people had to wait until I had a group assembled. People didn’t like that very much and so I changed everything around. Now, a person starts immediately when the sign up and I have fancy tech on the back-end that makes all the possible. So, whenever a student is ready, they enroll and start immediately, up to my limits of capacity to handle the coaching. I always make sure I have enough bandwidth to properly serve each student. Barbara
Youre so cool! I dont suppose Ive read anything like this before. So nice to find any individual with some unique ideas on this subject. realy thank you for starting this up. this website is one thing that is needed on the web, someone with slightly originality. helpful job for bringing something new to the internet!
ReplyThanks for your note Karen. I think most of us need to hear them over and over so that our hearts can start to connect to our heads.
ReplyThank you so much. It has been 15 years and my son is still battling .
ReplyYou are welcome. And yes, this is a marathon, isn’t it? Some of my moms have been wrestling this 30+ years.
ReplyConfirming what you said that “it is up to the addict to quit his/her addiction. It is not the parents fault that they are addicts. Hard to wrap our heads around when our love for our children is so strong that we want to fix them.
ReplyYou are right Janet! It is so hard for us to wrap out heads around. We want to figure out what caused this – what we could have done differently – and there is no answer to that question. It is a brain disease and use of a substance changes the brain of some people. There are lots of contributing factors known and studied, but in my view, no one yet can determine all the whys or predict who will get what is truly a disease and who won’t. I had to have this discussion with people in the know over and over and over. I’d get it – and then I’d lose it and I’d have to repeat process.
ReplyVery good information and would be happy to receive more.
ReplyHi Leon and Helen – you can join my email list. Here’s my website, just click on the button for the free download. http://www.livewellandfully.com. Thanks so much for your note. Barbara
ReplyThank you Connie. And I agree, it is a shift all for moms to figure out HOW to be a truly good and helpful parent to an adult child who has chosen recovery.
ReplyI’ve so appreciated what I’ve gained from you, at least hub didnt run down and bail him out, of course it helped that he was told that if he did he’d just be immediately re-arrested
ReplyThank you so much, Donna, and I’m sorry for all you’ve been going through.
ReplyI am so thankful I found this program. It has helped me to learn about how addiction works and how it effects the addict and their actions. I have completed the 1st phase of this program and am enjoying the 2nd phase even more. It has given me the courage and strength to do what was needed to help myself as well as my son. We now have a good relationship that we are able to “agree to disagree” and can communicate in a positive manner. Barbara, thank you is not enough to express how grateful I am that you offer this program!!! I hope it never ends!!
ReplyKelly – Thank you so much. You contribute so much inspiration – you show us how to live with peace, joy and grace even while the child you love is choosing addiction. Love ya:)
ReplyThanks for this article. I so needed this tonight. We have tried so many ways to “help” our adult daughter. But in reality we were enabling her. And usually got abuse for it. Today we had to put our foot down, while telling her we are here if she really wants to change, with boundaries this time. I want to take your 90 minute course but will not be able to for a couple of weeks. Please send me info. We really need to fortify ourselves, and learn what’s helping and what is enabling, and not feel guilty about it. Thanks so much.
ReplyHi Connie – Thanks for your note. The experience you are describing is typical, I’m sad to say. We, as moms, try to help – and the disease which has taken over our child often dumps all kinds of nasty at us when it does not get what it wants/needs. I’ve added you to my email list, which means that you’ll start to get email from me within 30 minutes or so. Please check promotions or spam and reply to one of those emails to educate gmail that you want to hear from me and I’m not a spammer. And reach out when you are ready – just reply to any of the emails I’ll be sending, and I’ll get you the link for the workshop. Barbara
ReplyI am completing the boundary essential program and this is an excellent summary. Through this program you gain an understanding of how your own actions are affecting your loved ones addiction. It’s such a tough road to travel alone and with people who try but cannot fully relate. With the understanding from others who are going through similar experiences you gain strength. Thank you Barbara!
ReplyThank YOU, Donna. I’m so delighted to know you and be part of your journey.
ReplyIt’s great to be hopeful:) And to find pockets of joy while we are hopeful. Good for you.
ReplyMy son who was 33 died in his addiction, my oldest son has dealt with addiction all of his adult life. I now have a BA in psychology addiction and recovery as well as Christian counseling, this article is so right on. Thank You
ReplyI’m so sorry for your loss, Pamela. Sounds like you’ve gone on a journey of your own as a result of addiction coming into your world. Appreciate the insight.
ReplyMy son, Richard Thomas Eubanks, died of a herion addiction on Valentines Day 2020 on the nasty streets of Baltimore, Md
Thank you for helping parents
I am so sorry for your loss, Joannie. There just are no adequate words. So many of our children lost and no rhyme or reason to it. It is still very fresh for you and I hope you can find some peace with the passage of time.
ReplyYour findings align perfectly with he documentation in a book I’m currently reading titled, “Beyond Addiction: How Science And Kindness Help People Change.” The authors are Jeffrey Foote, Carrie Wilkens, Nicole Kosanke and, Stephanie Higgs. I agree with your assessment that parents want to be helpful; they just don’t know how. In my opinion, that’s why it’s imperative that one joins a group. That’s why I’ve joined this group: to learn how to be more effective from those who have been in this situation and will help guide me without passing judgment.
ReplyThanks Brooke. That is a wonderful book, and the companion workbook “The Parents 20 Min Guide” is also useful – a series of exercises parents can do. And yes, 100% on the importance of a group of like-minded people. Because I read and read for years and had great trouble applying in the actual situations that came up it seemed every single day.
ReplyI appreciate meeting parents from all over and identifying with them, sharing things we’ve learned, need help with and sharung wins from time to time. It’s helped me immensely with the isolation that often comes with this life and parenting an addict. I’ve also learned about myself as well and have begun the journey of taking care of me too! Barbara is a great spokesperson and leader of the group as so many of our experiences are similar. It’s a blessing to have somewhere to turn – thank you.
ReplyStacy – Thank you so much. It is such a pleasure to know you and see your own growth on this journey.
ReplyBarbara, I thank God every day that He led me to you! I am forever grateful for the physical, spiritual & emotional healing I received while I was an early student in your program.
I stay concerned for my son, but no longer obsess With constant worry, which WAS literally sucking the life out of me. I can now sleep without the horrible insomnia; and I have found my pockets of JOY each day. The weekly Group support video calls have been a lifesaver for me!! Thank you, Barbara, and God bless you For your superior program!
Darlene – Thank you so very much – and I’m blessed that you are in my world:)
ReplyI have no idea how to set boundaries and feel that I have been an enabler for years.
ReplyDonna – I think most of us moms feel the same way on this journey. I sure did. Because it goes against what we intuitively do as moms. I recommend my workshop as a next step – where I talk about the boundaries I had to learn to set in my own life. Click here to sign up for that. https://www.loveanotherway.com/workshop-B101
ReplyBarbara’s course it amazing. She has helped me to view things in a different light and therefore I can respond better to the situations I am faced with. I am learning to set loving boundaries and no longer enable my children. To let go of the guilt so that I can enjoy my life to the fullest. I felt so isolated before and now I have a found a community that truly understands what it is like to parent a child with addiction. Barbara truly cares.
ReplyThank you so much, Sarah. You’ve done the work and I’m so glad to see the joy you’ve found and allowed yourself to have.
ReplyI found the article eye opening. It was presented well and organized. It gave me so many ideas on ways to deal with my son while still loving and supporting him but not enabling him with his addiction. I also now understand more of what he is going through with this disease instead of thinking if he wanted to he could just stop. I have forgiven him for some of the awful things his has done. I understand that really wasn’t him.
ReplyThank you, Donna. Yes, great insight about your son – and it is hard to recognize that in the moment.
ReplyWonderfully written. You know this well. I connect with everything you are saying!
ReplyBarbara, thank you, thank you, thank you! This is SO well thought-out and comprehensive – and contains so much valuable information in one spot. I appreciate the work it must have taken to write it. I am grateful for your wealth of knowledge and experience and your willingness to share it with others. Bless you!
ReplyBarbara teaches strategies parents can use to find happiness even when their child is in active addiction. I learned that by finding a new way to deal with my daughter’s addiction, I can improve my relationships with my other family members and help her chose recovery. I have never approached her addiction this way despite years of therapy and participation in Alanon.
ReplyKind of amazing how that happens – the things we learn spread outward in our lives in such a positive way.
ReplyThis is an excellent review and so helpful to read. With your survey and analysis you have identified really important information I did not know about parenting adult children with addictions and understanding the real needs of parents in this situation. It is so hopeful and helpful that setting healthy boundaries with love and compassion is a skill set anyone can learn if they work at it. Your course provides research-based strategies and interventions to learn and implement with personal and peer support available. Awesome!!
ReplyThanks Karelle – Yes, you are right! Anyone can learn these skills and strategies. Just takes an open-mind and a willingness to change some things about ourselves:)
ReplyI am thankful every day that I found Barbara Decker and her program for parents. My life has changed dramatically since i’ve learned to set loving boundaries that I can keep and not cave on. I highly recommend any parent with an addicted child to check her program out and free themselves from the constant chaos, pain and worry – Donna S .
ReplyThank you Donna. I’m seeing such amazing growth in you. You should be very proud of the hard work you’ve done in the past 10 weeks or so.
ReplyI’ve just completed Barbara’s course and feel equipped to move forward – setting realistic boundaries to keep me from getting engulfed in the chaos that comes with addiction.
ReplyThanks, Evelyn. You feel equipped because you did the work:) You dug in with an open mind. Kudos to you.
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