There are many lessons you’ll learn during the course of parenting an adult child who is struggling with addiction. At the top of that list is understanding that there’s nothing you can do to control anyone around you. While this certainly applies first and foremost to your child, remember that addiction is a family disease. This rule of thumb can apply to anyone in your life — including your spouse.
How do you feel when your spouse, ex-spouse, or another family member completely ignores the boundaries you’ve set to firmly protect your own sense of well-being? I often hear students say they feel hopeless and stuck. You know these boundaries are in place to help your child better understand the consequences of your actions. How will they ever choose recovery if someone else they love enables their behavior while you work hard to help them?
How do I know when my spouse, ex-spouse, or another family member is enabling my child?
Again, you can’t control the actions of anyone else. All you CAN control right now are your actions. Of course, that’s so much easier said than done! So much of the work we do to support our adult children struggling with addiction is easier said than done.
Think about these signs and symptoms that it’s time to try something else:
What have you tried to help your family members understand the boundaries you’ve created? Which of these methods are you currently trying?
Method 1: You’re always rushing to get to a situation with your child first, like when they ask for money. You want to be the first to say no and put boundaries in place before anyone else finds out there’s a crisis. This way, your child won’t go to anyone else for money. You don’t have to worry that another family member is rushing to their rescue and enabling them further.
Method 2: You reason constantly with your partner or other family members to understand your boundaries and why they’re in place. You explain it oh so clearly. When they still don’t respect those boundaries and give into your child (remember the example of financial help) you get frustrated and angry, and hurt and confused. How can they not see what they are doing?
Method 3: You drag the other family member(s) to therapy. You hope that a professional third party will help open their eyes to the importance of honoring your fair boundaries. You figure that if they don’t listen to you, they’ll at least listen to someone who isn’t so close to the situation.
They’ll surely listen to a professional. They’ll surely listen to someone who doesn’t have an emotional or financial investment in your child’s life.
Think about trying another approach; here’s what I recommend to do instead, and why it’s important to try it.
It bears repeating, again and again: The only person you can change in situations like these is YOU.
There is no reality in which you can force anyone else to change. Instead, you must think about new ways that YOU can respond to your spouse or family members. You need strategies that help communicate your point. You need strategies that give you peace of mind that you’re setting boundaries that work for YOU. Sometimes, shifts in how you communicate are just the impetus needed for another person to start to shift their ways of thinking, too.
Here's why I recommend this.
If this shift in communication skills doesn’t help, you have a choice to make about your own life and about the way you are willing to live with the understanding that others simply may not change. This choice will teach you how to comfortably co-exist with your family members, but ultimately it won’t change THEM. This choice will also help you accept that your partner or family member is in a different place when it comes to setting boundaries.
From there, with these new tools, you may find a “middle ground” where you and your spouse or family member will be a unified front — without having to compromise your own boundaries or peace of mind. This won’t happen overnight. With some guidance (and those new tools) it will start moving the needle slowly and surely.
Here’s what you SHOULD and CAN do today — download my Get Clear On How Your Views Differ Log
Start to keep a record of the specific decision points - choices - on which you and your spouse or others see things differently. Getting to clarity here is the first step in being able to find ways in which you may be able to shift things.
Get Clear on How Your Views Differ
Need more help?
Watch my free, confidential 90-minute workshop with “your other person” who sees things differently.
Agree to watch together and agree to spend 30 min the next day comparing your take-aways. See if you can find something you agree about.
Watch this workshop with your "other person."