Mothers are the superheroes without capes, the fixers, the glue that holds the whole family together. We’re supposed to do it all and know it all, without much (or any!) help from anyone else. We’re told this is intuitive and natural, and most of the time that’s all true -- but sometimes we DO need some extra help. I don’t need to tell you that it’s not easy to know when to ask for support. It’s even harder to accept we need it, and close to impossible to find peace of mind in the fact that sometimes we simply can’t do it all on our own.
One of these examples -- the reason why you’re reading this -- is when your adult child is struggling with addiction. Your knee-jerk reaction is to take away the pain of this struggle by doing anything you can as a mom: You’ve always been there to give them money, shelter, a shoulder to cry on, a soft place to land. Of course, this is especially true when they’re an addict, but instead of them choosing recovery, they get deeper into their addiction and you get more desperate to find a way to help them.
You need to know when it’s time to ignore the MOM CODE
There’s a certain Mom Code -- that unspoken set of rules that dictates you’ll do anything for your child, and could stand in the way of truly knowing what to do when your child is addicted. Read on; if any of this resonates for you it’s time to try something different.
Stop doing what DOESN’T work
Do any of these points seem to reflect where you are in life? If so, you’ve likely tried a long list of approaches to help your child choose recovery. And you may have found that most of them don’t work for you.
- Spending hours researching and reading on the countless number of techniques suggested to help your addicted child. How much of your Google search history is devoted to this?
- Sacrificing your time and energy to support your child through their challenges while feeling that it’s not the right way to move forward.
- Agreeing to help them financially for things like rent, car payments or maintenance, or even daily expenses like groceries.
- Opening your home to your child and doing everything you can for him/her while they are there, so he/she knows he is loved.
- Trying to convince them to make better choices when they ask for your financial or emotional support, only to give in.
- Working with one (or many) therapists to help you and/or them.
- Going to group meetings with other parents in similar situations.
Start Doing What Does Work
I have been where you are right now. I have felt exhausted and stumped. I tried researching and giving in and giving up my time and money to try and “fix” my adult child struggling with addiction. After spending years in frustration and sadness, I figured out why.
And I discovered that what does work is to make sure that all the boundaries you set actually do support your priorities. This is very important because:
Experiment With This RIGHT NOW
You can’t set boundaries without first knowing your goals.
And it’s never easy as a mom to bring that focus back to our own lives. So let’s experiment with what is possible.
In this experiment, you will either W:Win (make forward progress) or L:Learn (learn something new). There is no such thing as failure in any of my experiments. Learning is the most important outcome of any experiment I ask you to try.
Try something else, something that could help you move forward from being stuck in the cycle of addiction that your family is trapped in.
Click below to get your own Self-Priority Guide NOW. It takes you step-by-step through this experiment.
Get your Self-Priority Guide NOW.
Did you learn that you need more help putting the pieces together?
I found it to be a real challenge to set priorities for myself when my son Eric was in active addiction, and doing so took an extreme pivot in my way of thinking. I go into more detail about this shift in my free, confidential workshop -- click below to find a time that works for you.
Click here to watch my workshop.
I hope you find a pocket of joy in your day today.
Reach out anytime, because I care.
Barbara
Certified Family Recovery Specialist (CFRS)
I am deeply grateful that I found your program, Barbara. It has helped me a lot. My AD is an alcoholic. I feel my boundaries are angering her and although she lives with us, inside the house there is very little interaction. She does work a couple days a week. She pays her own bills. She does not pay rent to us however (our choice). She just got out of military for 6 yrs so we’ve allowed her a couple of years thgt 2 but we’re reaching 3 in Jan) for her to figure out where she wants to be next on her journey in life. I don’t think she wants to move out. Although I feel she doesn’t care for me, could it be because my LOW is working? Or no? Thank you Tracey
Hi Tracey – The disease that is likely in control does not care at all for you. You are getting in it’s way. You are not letting it grow. You are cutting off oxygen supply to it. Beneath the disease, your daughter does deeply care for you. If she chooses to get well, she may very well tell you this and appreciate that you got in the way of the disease. And it is so painful to live in that place where it feels like the kids we nurtured so well and for so long don’t care for us. I think it’s because your LAW is working. And I remember hearing from my parent about my teenage boys: If your teenagers like you, you are doing something wrong. LOL -B
Broken mom so sad been watching my daughter spiral down for 6 years in meth I’m so losing hope
Charlene – I understand that feeling, and I need to say that there is always hope. I see people every day choosing recovery after long spirals down. If you want to shift from broken and sad to empowered and content even while she is making poor choices, our programs can help. -B
U make so much sense as to the way I feel,and what I have gone through. Dealing with a addict is so hard and everything u say is true 😭
Tammie – thanks for your note. Hard indeed. I hope you are able to find some pockets of joy for yourself amidst the chaos that this disease brings, and that you can remember that you matter. I used to say you matter too, and now I just say you matter. Because the “too” makes it sound like an afterthought and it is anything but. You matter. -B
Thank you for all you do❤️
You are very welcome, Judy:) -B
This is such a beautiful program and can be helpful but I just feel like all bets are off when it comes to fentanyl. The strategies and boundaries are of no consequence to someone addicted to it, nothing is. It can help the person who's not addicted and trying to cope but until there is some kind of medical breakthrough, not many choosing recovery. Fentanyl addicts are being offered rehab and every other available resource and all I hear is "Nope, not ready, don't want to stop". No matter how rock bottom they've become, beyond sad and hopeless. Way too many people dieing. Love another way not going to fix this, unfortunately.
Gia – You are right of course that Fentanyl is deadly and many things need to be done from a societal level. I disagree thought that there is nothing a parent can do within their own family unit. The parent can shift fully to the Love Another Way model of loving. It does not guarantee that the “child” will then choose recovery. However, it does give the “child” the greatest likelihood that they may eventually choose to accept the treatment that is available. It shifts the whole dynamic. This is why I am so passionate about this work. -B
Thank you ❤️ for sharing this important information with everyone
You are very welcome. -B
My daughter is a alcoholic. For 2 years I’ve tried everything to convince her to get help. She says she doesn’t have a problem.
I have 2 grandchildren that live with her. I worry (and watch) 24/7.
I’m anxious ALL the time.
I’m lost, I’m scared, and I’m angry.
I don’t know what to do. What do I do????
Please help me. I’ll do anything to protect my grandchildren.
And for info, my son n law doesn’t help at all.
Angie – I’ll ask my support team to reach out to you and let you know the ways we support moms in your situation. It is very painful and challenging and I’m sorry you are going through it. -B
Wow I certainly can relate to all this. Due to this addiction it is dragging me down Big Time Financially! It's hard with 6 people and this issue with 1 income. I am so so torn. He claims he wants help but never seems to go. In the meantime I guggle my bills constantly and get behind. I am at my wits end for sure !
Hi Debbie – 6 people on 1 income is tough for sure. I wonder how many of those 6 are adult or adult enough to earn and contribute? Maybe we are talking about children. But if we are talking about other adults, you can choose to prop them up if you like, but you are allowed to make choices that are better for you if that’s your preference. Please watch for email from my support team in the next few days. -Barbara
Thanks barbara…we have stopped giving money for anything..I thought it would be a quick turnaround…its not…hope it is the right thing.
Susan – Yes, it took my Eric at least 4 years after I started setting Transformative Boundaries to choose recovery. The key is to make the decisions based on what is best for us and to let go of any expectation of how what we choose may affect someone else’s choices, because that is truly unknowable to us. It’s a complex, multi-layered topic. -Barbara
My son also has a diagnosis of bipolar with schizoaffective disorder. How does this affect my using your strategies? I have been told by those in the Nami organization that Toughlove does not work on those with mental illness.
Hi Karen,
I do not teach or advocate Tough Love. We call what we do Love Another Way and my students have had great successes whether their children have the disease of addiction, another mind disease or mental illness, or a combination. -Barbara
I have been dealing with my addicted (drunk) son for so many years and it only gets worse. I also have my 15 year old granddaughter who is suffering from her father’s addiction. I know I need to get him out of my house but it’s so hard to think of sending him to live on the streets.
Yes, indeed, this is a hard choice to make. Each person has to make the choice that is right for them, and there are ways to organize our thinking so we discover which is right for us and then can move forward. Until we do that (one way or the other) we are stuck in our heads with this quandary occupying so much of our mental and emotional real estate. You may want to watch the workshop (link at top of my website) for more insight into how we coach students in making this decision.
This is really solid! Been there still doing it. Throw in a 13 yr old that just wants to live with his mom so he feels “normal”. No dad. Tough love for my girl and lots of restraint to argue a lot. It just damages my grandson. Best thing is to pray pray pray! It’s not in my control!
My son is currently not using his drug of choice-heroin. He takes a monthly injection to assist with the opiate cravings but it doesn’t stop other drug use. I think mentally he’s deteriorating and I don’t know where to turn for help! I’ve gotten mh court orders for commitment in the past but seems no one wants to help and he’s soon to be out of control as a threat to self and others! What do I do?
Hi Ellen,
I can’t give specific “what should you do” advice on a blog. We work with Moms in figuring out their next best steps within the program The Transformative Boundaries Experience, VIP Edition. If that’s of interest to you, please watch the webinar (linked at the top of my website). Every person is different, every family is different, the choices are highly individual.
I will say that we as parents cannot force our “children” to live their lives the way we know is best for them. Neither can anyone else. Our kids get to make their own choices. What we can do is to change our responses to this disease, learn other ways to navigate through the quagmire and chaos and pain. And when we change the way we respond and interact, they have actual opportunities to make different choices. They may not choose to do so – some will, and some won’t. This is the only way I know to truly help us and them.
-Barbara
I am so in need of these blogs. I am depressed and worried about my son. Nothing I say seems to sink into his head. I appreciate the words you share. I wish I could afford the whole program but I cannot at this time
Thank you Cheryl and glad they are helping. If your son has an addiction or a mind disease of any kind, words cannot typically sync in. It has nothing to do with your skill with the words. -Barbara
I was begging space itself. Who do I talk to, where do I find someone, something. And how I found this site I honestly don’t know. But I’m here and it’s like my mind is written down
Welcome Stephanie and Happy Holidays. -Barbara
My son has been self-medicating with meth for over 7 years. He went through a recovery program last year after begging me to get him help because he “would die.” He came out looking and feeling great but relapsed after 4 months. He has lived with his grandma pretty much all this time and she continues to house and feed him and sometimes gives him money for marijuana but he will occasionally buy meth. I can’t afford your full program but would love to reap at least some benefits from your free resources.
Hi Tammmi – Thanks for your note. Recovery is a journey for sure – and relapse is very much a part of it. Enjoy the free resources. Barbara
How do you know when to help and when not to? How do you tell the difference from I want to come home and take you for granted again and a real effort of recovery?
Hi Robin – That’s a great question. And unfortunately the answer is not something I can type out in an email or comment. We use the Love Another Way process and teach strategies around how to make these decisions, and knowing if you are hearing what we call “Change Talk” versus “Cheap Talk” is one of the focuses of the work we do inside our programs. If you have not yet watched the workshop, I encourage you to. The link is at the top of my website.
I lost my girl 2012 leaving 6children, love my g,son now have 2great grandbabies in my care also,so lost with the addiction and hardship it comes with 62yrs old and don’t know how to help myself and my family
Doris – I am so very sorry for your loss. Your grandchildren are blessed to have you. This is outside my own area of expertise, but I encourage you to seek out support in your area for parents who have lost a child to this disease, grandparents raising grandkids. Usually, it is a matter of making phone calls to public sector organizations to find out what might be available. In most areas, some options exist. I hope you can find some support for yourself. Barbara
Generations Together is an non-profit organization in Georgia that provides resources and support to grandparents who are raising or fostering their own grandchildren. Hope you are able to find a similar group in your area!
Thanks for the recommendation, Larisa.
My son is on meth and everything else in between. It will never change due to brain damage so to speak. Thanks for trying to help………😥
Thanks for reaching out, and I know how painful it is.
Everyone is different. However, my son was on meth and lots of other things also. When he embraced recovery, his mind recovered. Brains can (and do) build new neural pathways. Many of them can recover once they make the shift to choosing recovery. I’ve seen it with Eric and with a lot of other “children” of the moms I work with. There is always hope. -Barbara
Thank you for you information
I am raising 2 of my 7 grandkids as my adult daughter is in constant crisis with addiction. Grateful for all collaboration Im
A bit beyond this part now but it all resonates
Bless you for raising your grandchildren. They are lucky to have you. -Barbara
My Donne are addicted to meth and had small legal dealings, but now he has been arrested for murder. I am at a loss.
I’m sorry for what you are going through, Rhonda. -Barbara
I think the post is excellent Barbara; I wouldn’t change a thing.
Thank you so much, Evelyn!
My son has addiction and mental health issues
Hopefully she will work & fight the demon of addiction when out of jail
Linda – Whether she will or won’t can’t be predicted. What we do see over and over and are able to say is that there are things we can do as parents to encourage our children to work and fight this demon. Because it is a very big demon and very hard work. Barbara
I was all set to comment on what do you do as a mother of an addicted daughter who is pregnant and I just found out at 28 weeks. I thought I was the only one and then I read other comments and realized of course others share in this. Somehow I can’t understand boundaries when it comes to an innocent baby or child. It’s one thing to not provide money, shelter, etc to a adult child in active addiction but now what I do or don’t provide affects my unborn grandchild. I was doing okay with self-care, boundaries, working my program but now I don’t know what to do.
Hi Maria,
Yes, children complicate everything. We are working with many Moms who have grandkids or grandkids on the way within our VIP program; each is sorting out the exact best boundaries for her after taking into consideration the kiddos.
Please take a listen to the workshop (link at the top of this page) and see if this approach resonates with you.
Barbara
Thank you
Welcome.
My youngest daughter is 30 and is addicted to meth. She is homeless and wandering the streets. She had already lost custody of 3 children and has no visiting rights. Nikki has been diagnosed with a form of schizophrenia. She hears voices and whatever is in her mind is a reality to her. She violent,manipulative and controlling. Also a bully towards me. The last time she was in jail she told me she was going to kill me and wanted me dead. I’ve not seen her for over 3 months. When i mention God or prayers she get angry and uncontrollable. I’m on a fixed income and cannot afford to give her anymore money. She only calls me when she wants something from me or to do something for her. My anxiety is thru the roof. I worry about her constantly. There are so many dangers to being on the street. I live in government housing and she is longer allowed to set foot on the property due to her temper and out bursts. I don’t even get to be aroun my grand babies due to their living situations. I’m so lonesome for my children. I’m a divorcee living alone. I love Nikki so much and am worried for her safety. She doesn’t believe there’s anything wrong with her so she refuses to take any meds. Please help me from this agony.
Sherry – I am very sorry for your pain and all that you are enduring. All of my work is around helping Moms move past the terrible agony and into a place where they can live their lives again in some measure of peace. There is no magic pill – it is a journey for us, a process. Enjoy the emails and blogs and if you’d like to dive into one of my programs, that’s an option also. You can email [email protected] if that’s of interest. Try to find a small pocket of joy today (and everyday just for you), because you matter too. Barbara
2 things that most resonate with me are that the things we do should coincide with our priorities, and that it makes no sense to use strategies, approaches, and actions that aren’t helpful. I am so thankful to have the opportunity, through TTBE (and TTBC) to examine those ideas (which make perfect sense but as moms, that is hard to see) and identify priorities and learn new ways.
Spot on Peggy and you are doing that for sure:) Solution-Oriented Warrior from day one in the program!
Oh my… I’m in the thick of all of this. I can’t afford to spend another dime on helping my son or myself… but last night I finally realized that I cannot love him back. He is gone so far down the rabbit hole. He actually sat and watched his girlfriend attack me last night in my own home. Well, needless to say, the police were at my house, again. This is the hardest season I hope I ever go through. He was gone for months, I got him home, and now I will probably never see him again..my heart hurts so badly. I can physically feel it. I want to rip it out of my chest and leave this world for being such a failure.
Lisa – I am so sorry for your pain. Please know that the Love Another Way model first changes the moms themselves and their lives and helps bring peace. And please, please allow yourself to take time to grieve the very real loss you have suffered. You son is alive, but you do not have the child you expected to have and that is a huge loss. So grieve for as long as you need, in whatever way you need. Barbara
Barbara,
I am still amazed at the transformation that has taken place in me in just 2 1/2 short months! If someone had told me this was possible, no kidding, I would not have believed them!!
This program, following it email by email, with each and every video and audio in the platform, it has literally freed my mind from a prison of constant worry!!
I am ever so grateful, and I am now continuing on in the TTBC, to work on the communication of my boundaries with my adult addict son, and truly anyone else in my life that I may need to set boundaries for and communicate them in a proper and effective way.
I am convinced that you, Barbara, are living out your life’s calling, and we are all benefiting from it exponentially!!
With my most heartfelt appreciation, I thank you, for teaching me how to Love Another Way!! ❤️🙌🏼❤️
Raquel McQueen
Thank you so very much, Raquel! You are my pocket of joy this morning. You are such a delight as a student – so open minded and willing to do the work of this. A true Solution-Oriented Warrior and inspiration. I am blessed to know you and be part of your journey. Barbara
This in itself is a wonderful encouraging post, and I cannot say enough about the phenomenal program that you offer. As a clinician and also the mother of an addicted adult child, I can speak to the life changing strategies and effective methods of your program! Thank you, Barbara, for taking the hard lessons you learned with your own difficult journey and turning it into a life line for struggling parents!
Thank you so much Sheila! You are such an excellent student and I am honored to know you.
I love this program. My son is in jail so I haven’t really been able to enforce a boundary yet. I have warned him that I am taking a class and that things will be different when he is released. I have a sense of peace just knowing that I now have a strategy that hopefully will work for both of us.
Sara – you are doing a great job, and it is so smart that you do this work while he is in jail. Many people wait for crisis time and then it is so much harder to find the mental energy to think:) Barbara
Is there any way I can schedule a time to speak with you personally? 🙏🙏🙏🙏
My support team will be emailing you.
I have read through some of the comments- all in all similar stories. My daughter who is now 34 has been using various drugs since she was 15- in her case trauma plays a big part- she has three children whom have all been prenataly exposed to various drugs. My husband and I adopted her first child who is 9 but we have had her since 3 months old- her other two children are 3 and 2 months- (with my oldest daughter) the consequences of her use are upon all three children. Anyways I learned years ago you cannot enable or keep falling for the same pity stories- those with substance disorders are very manipulative-
I know there are many grandchildren being raised by grandparents and other family members- this takes this to the next level so to speak- – now your not just dealing with your child who has a substance abuse disorder- but with their children whose developing brains were introduced to substances! We have had our 9 yo meet with a therapist the past 2 years bc anxiety- and other issues related to her mom and even her dad she never met/ she feels abandoned by them! Both older children are highly intelligent- but have behavioral problems. The baby will have more difficulty than them as he was premature and after meconium was tested- 5 different drugs found in the baby.
As parents we do the best that we can- we may feel that we have failed our children- but the truth is we have not! Best to all of you!
I have not been able to attend your classes as I am in college- studying psychology w/ concentration in addiction (3 more classes to go). I eventually want to work with families- I think when you have experienced something as a child with a substance abuse disorder- you can be more helpful than not as you have experienced it yourself!
Thanks for the note, Beth – and great big congrats to you on the college work you are doing. Sounds like an exciting chapter for you.
It’s happening again. My son was into drugs from the time he was 11. He’s 47 and has been clean and sober for years. Now, he is married and has 2 children and my son is doing so well. My daughters son is dangerously ill. I feel bad for my daughter and I am close to my grandson but I keep in touch by messenger. Does this happen a lot, where it seems to be running in the family?
Yes, there is a genetic predisposition to this disease for sure. That is one of the factors. It does not mean that everyone will get it – just that it is a big influencer.
I can’t seem to think about anything I feel like I’ve failed as a mother to my one and only son my heart and soul
Debra – I understand what you are saying. I hope you will take the time to listen to my workshop, read the emails I write, and perhaps join us in our support group. There is a way to move out of this terrible place.
Struggling to cope with son’s addiction
Hi Donna – It is tough for sure. For most of us, it hits us like a lightening bolt – out of the blue – and surely not how we envisioned life going.
This has come to me just in the right moment. After feeling like I have failed as a mom I realize there are others out there hurting as much as I have been in silence.
There sure are. There are legions of us. Often the shame, guilt, embarrassment, etc prevent us from connecting with others in the same situation, and we suffer alone.
What does it cost for the workshop
Bernice – the workshop is free. My emails and blogs are free. I also have paid programs for those that want to go deeper into this work. Barbara
That’s me l need help I am the mother of 4 but it’s one in the morning and I have to get u for school age granddaughter
Hi Marion – God bless the grandmothers who are taking care of the children:) Barbara
I would love to watch this but cannot commit to time right now !!!
Susan – save the link and come back and click on it when you have time. The times offered change each time you click on it and one of the options is always 5 minutes after you click.
My youngest son has been an addict since he was in middle school. He’s now 19 and doesn’t even think he has a problem. He’s been in different types of rehabs and nothing has worked. His father and I are divorced and he’s basically washed his hands of our son. My problem is that I feel like I’m watching him die slowly and I feel like if I let go, I’m just signing his death warrant. Please help guide me as to what to do. I feel alone in this battle.
Regina – I’m so sorry for what you are going through. It is normal to feel alone, and you are definitely not alone. There are tons of us in the same situation, unfortunately. I can help you in a variety of ways. I see that you are on my email list. Please watch my workshop and we can go from there. The link to that is on the bottom of this blog post page.
Hi Regina
My story is very similar to yours but today my son is 35 and still battling the addictions. He has clean and sober time along his journey but this also comes with relapses. I was the Mom this article first speaks of, I did all of those things but I did come to a place where I started living and practicing all what was touched on in the second part of the article. Please know you are not alone, there are Moms everywhere trying to manage an adult child’s addiction but don’t let it rob you of your life and all the others in your life who love you. Our sons know more and are capable of more than we give them credit for. I have learned to love my son right where he is at, not where I want him to be. ((hugs)) to you.
Thanks for sharing these words of encouragement. It is indeed possible to Love Another Way, and it sounds like you are doing exactly that. When we do, everything improves! Our relationship with our child, our relationship with others, our own state of mind and the ability to enjoy our lives. And when we use these principles, we give our children opportunities to choose recovery and some of them do. It is so wonderful to watch.
We all need support.
For sure, Sandy.
Both my children are addicts, I don’t know what to do anymore
Hi Leah, I have quite a few students with similar situations. I can help, if you are open to a shift in thinking. On this blog, there are 2 big buttons. You get on my email list by entering your info on either one. Hope to get an opportunity to meet you and help.
I need help with family member, I don’t know how to walk away. I don’t know how to say NO!!.
Marlene – I understand that entirely. It is so easy to write and read about and then much harder to apply. I can help. There are 2 big buttons on the bottom of this blog post. Sign up for one or the other and you will start to get my emails. I have emails and have programs to solve exactly this problem. You can also check out my website (www.livewellandfully.com) and sign up there. Or just email [email protected]. You don’t have to go this alone!
My son, Michael went into rehab 2 weeks ago. He has lived with me for the last 19 years because of a brain injury and now is addicted to heroine. I need help dealing with this for myself and for my family because they are telling me they do not want him coming back to live with me. This is weighing on my heart and soul and I need someone to talk to.
I’m so sorry, Joyce, for the chain of events that brought your family to this situation. Please please watch my workshop. The registration link is at the bottom of the post. I put a program together JUST for mom in situations like this – whose hearts are heavy and find it so difficult. It comes complete with a group of solution-oriented moms in similar situations to talk with. Perhaps my style will resonate with you.
I have been dealing with addiction for so long!! My husband. Was an alcoholic and committed suicide 2004,, while I was present,,,,, my Son is now in the addiction battle with Meth! For the last three years,,,, I have enabled him and didn’t know it for the longest time,,, but now I know I’m doing it by providing him to live at home with me,,, it’s constant trouble in stress everyday! He recently lost his children to social services!! How do I stop? I’m so depressed and feel so lost!!! How do I kick him out? He had no where to go? Please help me?
Tammmy – I’m sorry for what you are dealing with. I can help you with this. Please take a listen to my workshop (the link is above on this post) or email me [email protected]. It is impossible to go through this alone. Barbara
My oldest son lost his life in April, 2 mos. Before his 40th birthday . He had numerous drugs in his system but it all started with high school football injuries and pain pills. I was a single mother of 2 sons since they were 1 and 4 yrs old. Greg turned 21 in prison for dealing drugs…there 3 yrs and in and out of rehab ever since. He was such a good man in every other aspect. He had moved out of my house just 6 mos before he died. Had his 1st real job, had finished a yr long rehab, and was doing great….until corona test had him in quarantine waiting on results. He didnt make it back to work. And after his funeral i found out he left his life ins. to his son and now i hv to figure out where to get 9000 dollars to pay for his funeral….so… my house is for sale and i miss my son. I failed him right til the end. May God forgive me. I need to hear how all of you parents who are here rt now, beat the odds and saved your children. I will pray for you all
Retha – I am so very sorry for your loss and YOU did not fail your son. This disease is random as far as I can see. And it is impossible to find any real pattern to which of our children make it through and which don’t. I can tell from what you wrote that you did everything you could for him, and this outcome is not your fault. I hope you can find a grief support group or someone who can help you navigate this in the weeks, months and years ahead. Again, I am so very sorry.
I am so tired
Thanks for your note. It is just plain exhausting trying to respond to the chaos this disease creates and figure out what to do. I encourage you to watch my workshop and then reach out if you’d like my support in changing things for yourself so that you are not always so tired. 🙂 Barbara
I need help
Hi Cynthia – I provide help to moms in this situation. Please click on the big colored workshop box at the bottom of this blog page and watch my workshop (free, confidential) and see if my style matches your need. I’d love to support you through this. -Barbara
Makes me so sad because it sounds like you have lived the life I’m in but hopeful at the same time that things could change! So thankful for this feeling!
Hi Nancy – Yes, things can change! For sure. And I have lived this life, While I would never wish addiction into anyone’s family, I must say that being forced onto this journey has led me to incredible personal growth. It has changed my life for the better in so many ways. And so I am grateful that I’ve had this opportunity to discover new ways to live my best life, even in my 60’s. I hope you find that also.
I have a daughter addicted and I am in state of depression. I tried talking to her an she has not been in her daughter’s life or grandkids life over a year now its tearing me apart literally. I don’t no how to fix it lord knows I have tried. But now I’m not talking to her an tht is killing me. All I do is cry.
Hi Cathy,
I’m so sorry for your pain. This is a painful process for sure. And we need to grieve the loss of the child we expected to have. I do run a program for women struggling in this way and would be honored to be part of your journey of getting to a better place. Please take a listen to the workshop (last big colored box on this blog – click there to register) or email me [email protected]. You don’t have to walk this path alone.
My oldest daughter is struggling with drugs n alcohol
She says I am the reason
We haven’t spoken in about 4 years
My step son died of a drug related death at the age of 28
I continue to learn how to live with this
Waves of guilt come over me and almost paralyze me at times
Gaylene – I’m sorry for your loss of your son, and for the loss of the daughter you would like to have. She is incorrect – you are not the reason. The disease is saying that. Your real daughter knows the truth. It’s tough to be so paralyzed with guilt. I hope you’ll consider taking a listen to my workshop (the bottom link on the page takes you there). If you like my style, my program helps moms in situations like yours. You are worth more.
I have been dealing with this for more than 15 years. My oldest son lost his struggle in January 2014 at the age of 28. My youngest has 4 years of recovery in September, however I have reason to believe he is struggling or has already relapsed. Over the years, I have finally learned to set boundaries and love from a distance. It is a roller coaster from hell, BUT I have learned to take care of me. Two books that were extremely helpful: “Don’t Let Your Kids Kill You”by Charles Rubin and “Still Standing After All the Tears” by Valerie Silveira. It’s definitely not an easy journey, however learning to set boundaries and giving ourselves permission for our OWN lives does give peace.
Esther – Thanks so much for your note. I am so sorry for the loss of your oldest, and also that your youngest may be struggling now. I am currently in another class learning more about addiction from the viewpoint of those in recovery. One of the things I’ve learned is that when our children relapse and then start the recovery process again, they have the foundation of the things they learned while in recovery and the climb back up is not quite as steep. Hope this is also the case for your son.
And I agree that learning to set what are real boundaries (instead of what I often did which were more like wishes or fantasies) is key. When we do that, when we create boundaries focused on what we need, then we can live our OWN lives in peace (at least most of the time).
You sound like a brave solution-oriented mom, my kind of warrior-mom:)
I been dealing with addiction in my home for many years 20 yrs or more I get so depressed I just want to kill myself to get out suffering and pain I have 3 addiction adult children. Turned every rock and still no answers
Terry – I’m so sorry for how you are feeling and want to first ask you to please call the Suicide hotline: 800-273-8255.
And then I’d like to say that I can help you get back to you if you are a person with an open mind and willing to invest 2 1/2 hours a week for 8 weeks and use an approach I’ve built exactly for this purpose. Because I couldn’t find what I needed when I needed it either. There is a button in this blog post with a link to my workshop. So scroll up and click the big green button. The workshop itself is free and you can watch 5 min after you click the link:
I been stuck in the addiction cycle with 3 of my grown children I get so sad and at times want to end my life to get rid of the pain
I am so sorry for what you are going through AND I want to say that I know many fine families who have multiple children in this disease. And it becomes harder sometimes for them to believe that it is not their fault. And still it is NOT the parents fault.
This is so great and says it like I wish I could have. Thank you.
Thanks so much for your note, Bernadette. You are welcome.
mental illness and addiction
Hi Eleanor – The two often go together, for sure. And in a lot of cases, once the addiction sorts out, the mental illnesses fall away. Thanks for your note.
The hard part for me is deciphering what is enabling a child?
Hi Jennifer, Yes, enabling is anything that helps the disease exist; helps it grow. And that was hard for me also. I finally find a way to get to those decisions, based on my own priorities and considering that I matter to in the equation, without creating a situation in which my son was encouraged to remain in his disease because of my actions. I call this Love Another Way. Hop on my workshop for more about how that looks, for me:)
Since I have started this program I feel less isolated and I feel supported. I am in the middle of this program and already I feel more at peace. I am not judged and there is always someone to help me with issues that arise.
Thank you Judy – so great to hear that you are feeling more at peace:) You are doing a great job.
This is so well written and truthful. The road is long and complicated however you can learn how to love differently. You’ll learn to recognize and understand there is a different way to love the addict while taking care and loving yourself- thank you for the support and understanding.
Thank you Stacy. You are a solution-oriented warrior working and I’m so delighted to know you.
I am finally able to let my daughter be responsible for her own actions without my jumping in to save her. It has been a long struggle but this program came at just the right time. I am more confident in my boundaries. She sees the change in me and as a result she knows I will support her recovery not her addiction. She feels my confidence in her ability to make a better life, one step at a time.
Thank you Pat. I’m so impressed by how quickly you have changed the impacts this disease is having on you and your relationship with your daughter.,
This says it all! The heartache of having an addicted child cannot be easily explained, it has to be felt. This program has helped me realize that I am important too!
Thank you, Karen – and yes you most certainly are important too! We all tend to forget that. And I’ve often said if I could have “saved” my son by losing myself entirely, I would have made that trade. The universe does not allow that type of barter though, in my experience:)
For the first time in 20 years, since completing the Transformational Boundaries program, I know that I’m doing the right thing by NOT providing financial support for my alcoholic son. He knows that if he chooses recovery I’ll help him get back on his feet, but enabling his addict is not the same thing as helping him.
Thanks, Evelyn. That last sentence segment is powerful: “Enabling the addict is not the same thing as helping him.”
This article is so true and finding this program has helped me navigate through and develop skills to deal with the reality of having an adult addict child .
Thank you.
This is a well written piece. I have experienced everything this article states. Fortunately, I found Transformational Boundaries and it changed my life. I am not doing everything perfectly and I am learning and doing things differently and setting boundaries and starting to say no and take better care of myself.
Thank you so much, JoAnn, and it is true that none of us can do any of this perfectly. You are working really hard at navigating some deep heartbreak.
Thank you so much, Nancy